The Next Step

I signed the papers to put the house on the market. It won't actually be listed until right after Christmas, but the decision has been made, the price has been set and I am going to do it. Finally. I have taken the next step in moving forward.

The plan as it stands right now is this: I unload tons of my junk; the clutter that I have collected through the ages, the objects, the things, the little pieces of paper with strange little marks on them that I have saved from years gone by. I reduce my belongings to that which will fit in the back of a truck. Then, I sell the house and use the money I make to buy that truck to put my shit in. I pay off loans and credit cards and rent a small apartment where Max and I can stay until I've saved up more money - at least $5000 to move on. Then Max and I go.

Go where?

Well, that's a good question. I would like to find a place where I can afford my medications, where I can be with or meet someone to spend my life with, somewhere that has access to culture, nature and prospects for growth.

I need to ask an important question here. Am I running away from something? Maybe I am. I am running from a place where I feel stagnant. I am running from a trap that was fine to linger in for a while, but now, in this particular time, I find that the level of poison in my system is too much. I can feel it seeping into parts of my being that I don't want tainted.

There is one major thing that bothers me and that is my desire to maintain a close physical connection with my parents. I know that I don't have to be around to take care of them, but a large part of me still wants to stick around. I want to be there for them, but I also need to get moving on my own life and, from what I'm feeling now, the two situations don't share a similar space. I can only trust that this and other intrusive thoughts are addressed as they need to be through the passage of time.

So there it is. I consolidate, sell, regroup and hit the road with Max, the intrepid Beagle and bestest of friends, and I pray for the best.

I don't know what is next. I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I don't know. I just don't know. But, isn't that the fun part? Not knowing?

I've started thinking about trucks. I've started thinking about going on camping trips with Max. I've started thinking about driving across country with Max, my camera, my computer and a tent and a fishin' pole.... my, how the imagination begins to fly when someone even mentions opening the door to the cage...