Snapshot

A snapshot of me right now would show the exterior. I've got on a dark blue sweater with burnt orange stripes across the chest and around the upper arms, black, loose fitting trousers and my boots. My hair is very short and my beared is neatly trimmed. Though I'm only 47 my skin is some what wrinkled, but there are those that say that it lends me character. I just think I've got lousy skin.

I had just shy of enough sleep last night - so there shouldn't be any significan bags under my eyes, but I know that if I lay down for just a minute I could be fast asleep [and, as an aside, I would love to lay down on my bed right now...Max would come up and sit beside me, maybe sniff at me a bit, then position himself either for a belly rub or to cuddle up with me, my arm around him and the two of us, human and canine, would drift into a pleasant slumber......]

Because the hair is so short, my head having been shaved about a week and a half ago, the grey is actually quite noticeable. That's okay. I'm not THAT vain.

But, if the camera were to focus on my eyes, not the potential bags beneath them or the crows feet to their sides or the greying fuzz above them, but into my eyes directly, they might find some tension there, some saddness, some concern.

Generally I think of myself as a happy person. I laugh, I joke, I even giggle. I enjoy being silly sometimes, though I won't deny my serious side, either. I have been known, though, to make fun of my serious side. I think that is healthy. Yet, when people ask me how I am, I rarely lie. I don't sugar coat things. I won't say "fine" just because it is expected. And one can usually tell by looking into me how things are going.

And what is this leading to? I is gonna dump on y'all. Yup. Despite trying to "think positive" and not reenforce the negative by talking about it too much, despite knowing that looking at these things, knowing them, accepting them and then letting them go so as to move forward is the best thing to do, I realize that I don't let go of them. I hold on to these things. I allow them to fester and to continue to stink up my existence.

I went to pick up my medications on Friday. I knew that the 3 month supply would be expensive, but I was in shock. $965.00. And then I got home and you know what? My insurance isn't paying for all of the tests that I had done during my last visit to the doctor. And then, you know what? The CD burner on my laptop burned out. And the CD that is the masterdisk of my "album" Ecce Homo that is all of a sudden getting some attention - it's damaged. It isn't working. Even if the CD burner on my laptop were working, I can't make copies now. And no one came to look at the house last week.

Now, I know that there are those worse off than me. I am not so blind as to not know that. Our discomfort is always a relative thing. I know that all of these things dim the light in my eyes nonetheless, and it does not become dark there, nor a neutral grey, but deep within those eyes there is a form and a color - and it is the form of resignation and the color of mortally injured hope.

So, can these things be seen in that snapshot?