Engineering A Life

I live in Missouri. It is a beautiful place at times, with rolling hills, creeks, streams and rivers that cut through the fertile soil. There are flowering, fragrant trees and flora of myriad scents and shapes; elegant deer prancing through hardwood forests and wondrous natural features like caves, fields of huge granite boulders and broad, sky-domed prairies that yield to the wild and adventure laden West. There is history here, too. Lewis and Clark, Jesse James, the Pony Express, the World's Fair. Yes, it's beautiful, it's interesting, it's nice. There are even pockets of culture and broad, progressive thinking. Intellectuals. Writers, musicians, artists and thinkers exist in the cities and small towns alike. But it's hell living here. I feel so alone and isolated here and I want to get out.

How do I do that? How do I dissolve the ties that bind me to this place and move - move forward, or even take a step or two to the side, just to initiate some action? Sure. Just sell the house, sell all that you do not need, pack your bags and go. All fine and good, but I need to make sure that I can get my meds. They're damned expensive and without them I'm dead. I mean really dead. So, I need to make sure that I have money or a job that pays or insures, or move to a state that has adequate health care.

That thins out the possibilities a bit.

And then there is the family issue. My mom and dad are here. I pride myself on doing my best to take care of them. They have taken care of me for so long, don't I owe it to them? Or is there really a point where I can think of myself without feeling guilty?

I wonder if having any control of my own life is an illusion or not. Is will power and perseverance all that is necessary to craft a desirable living situation, a job, a lifestyle that makes me happy? Or am I bound by situations beyond my control?

I can do my best to do the necessary tasks, to make the calls, do the footwork, initiate processes, follow the rules and play the game, but I have no control over how others ultimately behave. And the final outcome of so many essential things ends up in their, not my, hands. If the results are not to my liking then I pick myself up, dust myself off and start again.

A lifetime can be spent doing that.

So, how does one engineer a life, craft an existence, manipulate the materials of being into a comfortable lair?

That is not a rhetorical question.